Uninvited advice
comes across like judgment. When people are sharing problems with their loved
ones, they may ask for advice. But many times they just want to share. And
instead of just listening, we jump in with our advice. Instead, ask good
questions. (See my earlier post on this for more on advice & questions.)
But not all
questions are real questions. Beware of using false questions and thinking
you're doing well in the conversation. I'm not talking about rules grammar--I'm
talking about how they function in a conversation. Some questions meet the
grammatical requirements, but behave like giving advice. The person asking the
false question is clever enough to phrase their advice in the form of a
question--but they're still giving advice.
For the purposes of
helping people think better, these questions don't count. They still feel like
judgment.
EXAMPLES:
False Question: Have you thought about talking
to your boss?
Translation: You should talk to your boss.
Changed to open question (advice removed):
What options have you considered?
False Question: What if you just chalked this
one up to experience and started over?
Translation: You should just start over.
Changed to open question (advice removed):
What can you learn from this situation?
Even when it is time
to offer advice, using insightful, open questions to get them to create the
solution themselves helps far better than you just telling them. (See my previous post for more
on asking open questions.) Let's say you
do have the right solution in mind (which is not a guarantee). If they actually
do what you say (also not guaranteed), they won't really own those choices.
They'll always see them as the advice of someone else and not their own ideas.
Further, they'll become more dependent on you to solve their problems, instead
of learning to solve their own. Use (real) questions in place of advice and
watch your influence and impact grow exponentially. (I've tried both methods
for years--there's no comparison.)
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